Monday, February 15, 2021
Jon Snow is a moron
This is a deleted scene I wrote for the Game of Thrones episode "The Long Night" which covered the Battle of Winterfell between the living and the army of the Night King.
Scene: The Great Hall, Winterfell. All the lords, ladies, Night Watch, Dothraki and various cannon fodder other commanders are gathered to discuss the plan for defending Winterfell and defeating the Night King. It smells very bad.
Jon Snow: Okay, we’ve worked out our strategy and think we’ve come up with something that gives us a good chance for victory. And you can trust me because all of my previous ideas have worked out so well. Remember that time I charged alone against all of Bolton’s army? Good times.
First, we scrubbed the idea of setting fires farther out from the castle to light up the undead hoard because we all love a good surprise right? No fun having a firm idea of what we’re facing with all of civilization on the line.
There is a general rumbling of agreement. Sansa, Dany, Lady Mormont, and Arya give each other a slightly alarmed glance. Jon continues.
Jon: So, once we know the army of the undead is out there in some number, we launch our light cavalry straight at them. Every Dothraki just rides straight ahead and plows into them. Sir Custer, sound good?
Sir Custer: Excellent plan, your lordship.
Lady Mormont rolls her eyes and gives a lewd hand gesture. Tormond lears at Brienne once more. HR will speak to him later.
Jon: Now, in the slim chance that a relatively small number of unarmored swordsmen on horseback don’t utterly defeat the old NK, we have devised a defense in depth. We’ve dug an enormous trench around Winterfell, filled it will both flammable materials and dragon glass. This should keep them at bay, but here’s the plot twist: We put our army outside of the trench. Brilliant right? Our backs, well your backs, will be up against it with only a single passage back to the castle side so when things go pear shaped there will be little chance of you getting back. Oh, and one other fun idea we came up with was to have the signal for Dany and me to light up the trench depend on one guy with torches catching our attention.
Dany: What. The. Actual. F#@k!?
Jon: As for Dany and I, we will be riding the dragons above the battle…
Jorah: Ready to continuously bring fire down on their heads thus breaking up their forces and giving us a chance?
Jon: No, we will mostly be riding above the clouds getting lost.
Jorah, Of course.
Jon: Now should all of this brilliant plan fail, as unlikely as that sounds, we will have Theon and eight of his Iron Born waiting in the Godswood to defend Bran against the Night King and all the White Walkers. This should give Bran enough time to….unleash his flock of ravens. Bran, you do have something else up your sleeve on this right?
Bran: No, that’s pretty much it.
Jon: Uh, okay I’m sure it won’t come to that. Alright, everyone to their stations and best of luck!
Arya: I think I’ll find a quiet place to hide and wait for my chance.
Sansa: Tyrion, pass the wine.
The congregation leaves the hall.
